WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize