I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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