Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
