We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
