Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
