just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Damn victory sex feels great
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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