new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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