He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
