I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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