Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He felt like a one man threesome
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
