i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
