okay pat passed out under dana's car
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
