At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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