i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I am available for nakedness
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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