I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
