genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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