Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
