They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
