Will you blow on my dice?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
