her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
