you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
