your thong is hanging out like whoa
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
