I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
