Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
