i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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