I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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