I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize