Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
