i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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