Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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