honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
