I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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