How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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