maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
It's shark week go big or go home
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
