dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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