Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
