I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
