This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Randomize
