boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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