I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
