she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
