sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
