I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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