Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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