k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
