I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
