he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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