I am spending my child support on dildos
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
