I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You smell like stripper and shame
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I wish you could order shots online.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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