She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
