haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
