Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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