Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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