She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I wear drunk well.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
