a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
