Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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