Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
