We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
