He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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