i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
