Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
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