Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
