I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
