Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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