If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
