I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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