I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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