oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
