U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
