i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize