Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
