So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
