My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
