Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If I die, sorry about rent.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
