I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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