Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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