The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
