My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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